"I haven't talked to you since...this morning! Why didn't you answer the phone before like you said you would? What do you mean you were asleep? How could you do that? I'm annoyed! What're you getting all defensive for, I'm just messing with you..."

And so on. This is a mild example, mind you.

Some of the female mind's finer mechanisms can be pretty baffling. What's with the pointless fascinations? What's with the babydoll voices and the clinginess?

And underwire. Why anyone would voluntarily submit to the stuff is beyond me.

Above all, I simply don't understand why being attached to someone seems to provoke mind-numbing idiocy, for lack of a better phrase. Poor Austine can't seem to fathom why I'm so averse to getting married. But then, the girl is what one might call Pure. I've encountered purity before, but never on this level. Suffice it to say she has the ability to make me feel like an absolute whore sometimes, which is both amusing and amazing. She confided in me yesterday (gesturing with her left hand so her Jesus ring glinted in the light) about how she's worried she'll be placed in a coed dorm next year...something about how she's uncomfortable about being so close to members of the opposite sex, about how it seems impure, about how it's only tolerable if one is married, etc, and how she might try to be an RA in an all-girls hall next year to avoid being caught in such a...traumatic situation.

Me, I sat there nodding, inwardly goggling. Life ain't divided that way, dearie. You're going to have a terrible time if you ever end up in an apartment. If it wasn't for the quasi-boyfriend, I'd get thee to a nunnery.

And now I think I'll head off and feel whorish for a little while. Or prudish, depending on how purely the situation is viewed. Let's be Austine-ish for a bit here...

I need to find someone to kiss, which is pretty whorish. But only because I've never before engaged in that which is quaintly known as tonsil hockey, which is not. I need to learn, which is whorish. I don't particularly want to, which is not. I've received kisses in the past, which is whorish. I've never given one, which is not. I've never found the action particularly appealing either way, which is neither whorish nor pure, but simply weird, in most people's eyes.

It's for dramatic purposes, I tell you. Though seeing as I don't really know many people here all that well, I doubt I'll get my lesson. Unless I want to scare someone, that is, which is looking more and more like a definite possibility.

"Hey, ___? Could you hold still for a minute so I can kiss you? And once I'm done, could you maybe offer some constructive criticism?"

Right. Maybe I can head over to the high school and seek refuge in the old dramamates. I'm sure I'd find enlightenment, although technically I'd be assaulting minors. But at least it'd be for a good cause, neh?

Pathetic, this, seeking such advice from the young 'uns. Heck, I never asked for this hormone deficiency.

Someone please remind me why I volunteered to play a knife-wielding lesbian?

Adieu.